i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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