seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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