Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
