she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
