3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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