Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
