Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
