There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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