halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Less talking, more tequila
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
