WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
