I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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