You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
