Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
