I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
