Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Holy sore nipples Batman
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
