I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
