you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
