So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
