I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
