I think I won the penis lottery.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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