Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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