his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
