seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
