I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
