Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
