I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
