just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
