before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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