I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
