So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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