We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
