So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Randomize
