you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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