he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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