My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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