Swine flu is the new snow day.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
