When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
