if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
