Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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