I puked a lego.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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