I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
