Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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