I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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