i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I touched a dick in church today
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
