dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
