I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
