Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
