this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
