She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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