Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
