forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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