standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
